What comes to mind when you hear the word “relationship”? Most of us probably think of the personal relationships we have with various people in our lives—friends, family, coworkers—but we may overlook the fact that we also have a relationship with ourselves; with our thoughts, our beliefs, our sense of self.
Throughout our lives, we are exposed to a variety of people and experiences, some seemingly good, others seemingly bad. If someone has done us harm, we probably label them negatively, judging them in one way or another. We may hold onto that judgment for the rest of our lives. We may go on to avoid new people or experiences that bring up negative associations for us, associations rooted in past experience. It might be beneficial to avoid such people or reflect on those experiences in order to learn from them. The thing is, that with certain negative interactions and experiences we set up a certain image of ourselves in relation to the images we form of those people or experiences. We integrate them into our sense of self, and then go on relating to others and ourselves from that identity.
Someone we trusted may have betrayed us; someone we loved may have hurt us very badly. We may be wise to acknowledge that a personal hurt has occurred, and that our trust has been betrayed. But sometimes, especially when we are younger, an experience of betrayal or hurt becomes a judgment against the other person, but also a judgment, a negative belief, about our self. I may openly blame someone I love for hurting me, but inwardly I am beginning to believe that I am not loveable. If I am not validated and encouraged when I am younger, I may form a belief, even on a subconscious level, that I am not worthy of appreciation or success. These kinds of experiences and our reactions to them can give birth to personal beliefs and patterns that ultimately hurt us, and can also create a disempowered relationship to ideals like love and success. This kind of relationship to ourselves is marked by judgment and fear.
The ways we set up images of ourselves in relation to external experiences are complex and varied; we may have a negative relationship with ideas and ideals as well as people and experiences. This is something we can see playing out in our own lives, in our own minds, and move towards a more loving way of relating to ourselves as well as others. We can become gently aware of the inner world of our identity, to the thoughts and emotions that arise in relation to certain people, experiences and ideas.
We may notice certain patterns that make us contract or shut down. The energy of judgment is very heavy and it is often felt physically. If I am constantly judging myself and others, even in subtle ways, I may be experiencing degrees of discontent, anxiety or depression. But we won’t free ourselves of this judging pattern by adding more judgment to it—to judge yourself for judging would be counterproductive. The simple, calm awareness and acknowledgement that our suffering is caused by a particular pattern, an underlying belief, can be the very thing that transforms it. As opposed to the usual automatic, reactionary relationship we have to our thoughts, we can introduce a watchful element into that relationship that contains both peace and the innate intelligence of our higher self (our true self). We might notice that certain thinking patterns are judgmental, some are unloving, while others simply seem to tell us that we need more, or need to be better than we are, to be truly happy. We can notice how we are grasping mentally at certain ideals, certain objects of desire, in ways that are actually causing us to feel unhappy about ourselves and where we are in our lives. Negative beliefs can be seen as being mere echoes of the past that are no longer serving us, and that we can let go of if we so choose. Seeing through all these things and finally letting go can lead to greater happiness and connection in this present moment.
Regardless of our past experiences, the present always contains the opportunity to relate to ourselves in a more loving way. We may become aware of certain negative patterns, but it is of course also very important to notice the loving and wise patterns that already exist as well. We may think our story has been one of failure, suffering or betrayal, but that is ultimately only one perspective, one way of understanding our story. We can also choose to see that a certain inner strength and wisdom carried us through those times, and that it can carry us forward and guide us to love and success if we choose to trust it. We can look at our lives as a story of healing and personal evolution. Everything we’ve been through makes us so much richer inwardly, and as we move past the pain and personal illusions we realize it was all necessary to become who we knew in our hearts we were always meant to be. While no personal image or thought is ultimately the truth of who we are, thoughts and beliefs rooted in respect and love are expressions that are worthy of being nurtured and embraced. Also, certain people may have supported us at difficult times in our lives, and it’s important to nurture a sense of gratitude and also trust that in times of need, you will have support if you reach out.
Some of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves are non-judgmental awareness and self-knowledge, self-discovery. We may have been under the spell of certain beliefs and judgments rooted in the past, and these may be playing out in our lives in different ways. But with awareness, patience, forgiveness and gratitude, we can free ourselves from these psychological chains and live a more loving and fulfilling life.
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All Roads Lead To Now 